I Love Her So Much but I Don’t Know What to Do?

Question by Meredith: I love her so much but I don’t know what to do?
I’m a lesbian who was addicted to drugs. When I was 17 I got sent away to treatment. I went to a wilderness program for 12 weeks and then I went to wilderness therapeutic boarding school for 5 months. While I was at the boarding school I met people that have changed my life forever. They are life family to me and I love them. But there was this one girl who was different. We connected really easily because she was the only other one in the whole program who had experience the death of a parent. (her dad died when she was 13 and my mom died when I was 12). We became really tight, we were best friends. Then I realized that my feelings for her were more than that of a friend, I wanted to be with her. I was extremely scared to tell her about my feelings for her, but I also thought there might be a chance she likes me back because there were instances were she asked about how I knew I was gay and when I figured it out. Then one day I finally mustered up the courage to tell her and she told me that the feeling was mutual! I was so happy and relieved. Because we lived in a wilderness therapeutic boarding school we all had to be in bed at a certain time with the lights off. We all slept in bunks and my bunk was next to hers. In the middle of the night she was calling my name and I got up and leaned towards her bunk because I thought she needed to tell me something. Then she grabbed my face and pulled me in and kissed me. I was so surprised but extremely happy. That was honestly one of the happiest moments in my life. Ever since then we had been being more and more intimate emotionally and physically with eachother. And at one point she said she wanted to marry me and have kids together. We loved eachother very much. This lasted for about 3 months and then the program got shut down. Everyone started crying because we were all going to be separated and sent to other treatment programs and wildernesses all over the country. I saw that all the other girls in my group started crying and I really wanted to cry too but I stopped myself because I wanted to be strong for them in this moment of panic. the girl I loved started bawling and kept telling me not to leave her and stay. But we all had to leave. So I comforted her until I had to leave. That was the last time I saw her in person. She got sent to another boarding school across the country and I went to an adult program because I had turned 18. It hurt so much. She was in the boarding school for about 4 and a half months and the only way I could contact her was through letters. We sent letters back and forth whenever we could. Then He therapist wouldn’t let her write letters to me anymore because in the letters I was sending her I was talking about how I had be relapsing. So we stopped talking for about 3 months. Then She got out of her program and I finally got ahold of her on the phone and we got to talk for a bit but things were different. It was like we didn’t know how to interact with eachother anymore. I’ve known this girl for almost a year, and i love her more than anything else on this god forsaken planet. We are both back at home now and we have broken up because of the distance (I live on the West coast, Shes lives on the East). But we both still want to be together. We have been through so much shit together in treatment, and thats what makes our relationship so strong. I just feel trapped. I’m planning on going to see her and some other girls from my program in the Summer in Maryland but I don’t want to wait that long…It all just really hurts, the fact that I can’t see her or anything..It kills me because she knows me better than almost anyone else on this planet. I don’t really expect to get any advice to help me or change anything really, I guess I was just so torn that I felt like I had to just get it out there and give it a shot, maybe one of you will be able to help me. I just don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening

Best answer:

Answer by choko_canyon
There isn’t anything you CAN do, so don’t do anything. See her when you travel there, be open and honest, and don’t expect anything to change. Eventually you’re going to have to move on with your life and get over your feelings, but don’t expect that to happen faster than eventually.

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